Image is Everything?...

It was brought to my attention (thank you EJ) that there have been ads with content that are entirely in contradiction to what I am here to encourage and support. I’ve just bumbled my way through Adsense to filter out particular URLs. If anyone knows of a more effective way to just filter out topics rather than specific websites let me know and I’m on it.

Today has a Y2Kish feeling about it…with all of the economic unrest and the potential ramifications of the federal bailout not being approved. That last sentence is about as politically savvy on this topic as I get and I owe it to my husband who is following the scrolling “up-to-date” news. I have heard from some sources that “life will go on as normal, nothing to worry about” and from other sources “banks will close and everyone will make a run on gas stations and grocery stores.” We are being cautioned to get relatively self-sufficient so if those times do come we will be prepared. Get out the duct tape and empty milk jugs filled with (cloudy) water!

In all seriousness I do grieve for our country and the rampant gluttony I see in spending and resulting accrued debt; at the individual and federal level. I think it is a symptom of our cultural mindset...image is everything. I know there is more to the economic crisis…any pundit will tell you that…but from my little corner of the world this is what I can see and understand clearly.

The old adage applies here, “keeping up with the Jones’ “….over used but still very true. We are constantly sneaking glances around us to make sure we can at least blend in with the crowd if not be a stand-out. Over-spending is one of the primary tools by which we keep our image in place. We spend vast amounts of money on our appearance whether that is cosmetics, gym membership, exercise equipment, clothing, salon and spa services or cosmetic surgeries. And to accompany our well attended physical appearance we have a car we can’t afford and a mortgage that is beyond our means. Then there are the “things” we choose to participate in that drain our resources….vacations, eating out and entertainment of all sorts; just to name a few. I believe for the most part we are well meaning and attempt to stay within our budgets but given the choice of falling behind socially in terms of our image or putting something on our credit card…which do you think most people would choose?

My point…we are so concerned about how we look on the outside that we care very little about the means that are required to maintain that image. We verbalize that we care but our actions reveal the true condition of our hearts. We will engage in dangerous practices just to drop a pound or two, we will spend money we don’t have on that important dress for that special occasion and we will obligate ourselves to a car payment that strains if not over-reaches our budget. Why do we do these things?

I am not such a naysayer that I believe everyone has fallen into this image trap. I know that there are those out there who purposefully askew engaging in this useless endeavor and there are those out there that only dabble in it for a moment or two before self-correcting. However, I would say that the majority of us are far too invested in our image. How do we know when we are too invested? When our love of image and the actions we’ll take to maintain it surpasses our concerns for our own (and other’s) physical, emotional, spiritual and fiscal health. To find the answer to this don’t just rely on your thoughts about the topic but look at your actions over the past year or so…retrospectively and collectively our actions rarely lie.

Should we delegate any attention to our image? The answer…"no, not really.” I think our image is a natural outcome of who we are. It’s a lot like our reflection in the mirror…it doesn’t have to be manipulated or worked at….it just is. That is unless we want our reflection in the mirror to reflect something other than reality…then things become tricky, expensive and time consuming. If we allow our image to represent who we really are then it seems like it will be effortlessly maintained. Maybe we should be putting our efforts toward becoming more content with ourselves rather than investing so much in becoming someone or something we are not.

Your assignment (besides stock piling food, stashing some cash at home and filling your gas tank to the brim) is to ask yourself…If I am just “me”…am I at peace with the image I portray? If not, why not?

All for now…
Lisa

Take Your Thoughts Captive...

I have a confession…one that I truly have a level of shame about…and the reason I’m going to share it is I suspect if I struggle with this, then I imagine others do also. That is one thing my career as a therapist has taught me…to quote a wise Book, “there is nothing new under the sun.” We as humans share a similar pattern of thinking…I can’t tell you how many countless times a woman sat breathlessly confessing in my office a secret she felt no one else had ever duplicated; when in fact I heard the same thing from numerous women over the years.

Ok….back to my confession (Does it seem like I’m stalling?)…I was at the mall today with my husband and daughter. We were browsing in that “Build a Bear” store when I spied a mom who sat perched on the edge of a display while her young daughter played with a bear. I secreted a head-to-toe look and noted that she was attractive, dressed nicely and wearing very high heeled, pointy toe, bright yellow shoes. Here is the shameful part…for just a second I had very critical thoughts about this woman for her choice of shoes. I won’t mince any words so that you will see how ugly it gets. I thought they looked tacky, cheap and hooker-like and I judged her for wearing them…I wondered how she could mother well while towering and teetering. These thoughts floated very quickly through my mind like a dark shadow. I did not consciously call them up and when they did catch my full attention it jerked me to my more sane and compassionate self. I quickly countered those thoughts with ones that I do truly believe with my whole heart. I applauded her for her courage and decision to make a unique and potentially risky statement with her footwear. She truly represented what I encourage and support; being real even if it doesn’t perfectly conform to expectations. And my initial response was exactly what I loathe in our world…attacking someone for looking outside of the norm.

This experience kept tickling my brain the rest of the evening and I started to think about how we all have internalized at a very deep and sometimes unconscious level the values and standards of our society…even if we don’t consciously believe in them. Continuing down that same path… these internalized values, unless brought into conscious awareness and challenged, will run rampant in our minds and influence our thoughts, feelings and sadly our actions. This reminds me that I am not always a victim to the pressures of the media, culture etc…sometime I can be the perpetrator. Admittedly, the perpetrator within came from growing up in a culture that repeated the same judgmental messages over and over again until it sings in the background unnoticed….perverse elevator music of sorts. But as an intelligent adult woman I have a choice to allow the “music” to continue or recognize when it is “playing” as I did today and replace it with lyrics and a tune that are more fitting my true beliefs.

I do believe that we as women can be very critical and competitive with each other. A good example of this that always comes to mind; I had started a women’s group years ago with members who were already existing clients of mine. When everyone assembled for the first meeting I almost did not recognize anyone even though I had been seeing them for months and some of them years. They were primped and preened…full make-up, nicely dressed etc.. Not that there is anything wrong with this but the women in question all had been showing up to their individual appointments with a pretty relaxed appearance. I had always encourage my clients to “come as you are” since the emphasis should be on more internal work rather than external representation. What was it about being around other women that spurred them to put on their armor of beauty? We seem to care deeply about the impression we make on other women. Are we afraid of their judgment or criticisms? Do you see this in yourself?

To take this further…I believe that we do not just reserve this critical thinking for other women but we often direct our barbed “thought arrows” toward ourselves. When we catch a glimpse of our reflection what do we often say? Is it something complimentary and caring or destructive?

This concept of being aware of our thoughts and challenging them to see if they are consistent with our beliefs may be new to some of you…but it is the cornerstone of cognitive behavioral therapy…the therapy of choice for what ails us these days. It is a very useful and powerful thing to have in your back pocket…because it is the whispering thoughts in our head that often influence our mood and behavior. When you realize that you can bring those thoughts into your awareness and analyze them…keeping them if you like them and replacing them if you don’t…it’s a pretty amazing thing.

Your assignment: be very mindful of your thoughts, in particular when it comes to your assessment of yourself and other women. If you find yourself engaging in negative thinking I want you to explore it and ask yourself…Is this really who I want to be? If the answer is “no”…then find other thoughts that are more compassionate and uplifting to replace those ugly ones. If you are feeling really ambitious I want you to notice how this process influences your mood and behaviors

Back to the yellow-shoe woman and another assignment that she inspired. Choose to wear something that makes you feel pretty and alive even if it is a fashion risk or outside of what you are seeing others wear.

All for now…
Lisa

Break Out of Your Eating Prison...

I was at the self check out of our local grocery store this morning and my daughter was wailing. She had spotted the candy corn that I had thrown into the cart and although she has never had this treat before she instinctively knew that it contained little bits of sugary heaven that she would love. She kept pointing to the candy and saying, “baby snack…ma-ma try”…translation for those of you who don’t speak “baby”…"those are mine and I want you to open them NOW.” I am not a purist when it comes to what I let my daughter eat…she eats a variety of foods but she started to pitch her fit almost immediately and I am trying not to reinforce that response, or the world will be run by her and we will be her minions.

All of this commotion attracted attention and a woman looked over at us, semi-alarmed while still compassionate. I felt obliged to respond so I said that my daughter was ok she just wanted some candy corn. The woman nodded knowingly and said “don’t we all.” She went on in a confessional tone, “you know I can go through a bag a week.” Another woman who was nearby had heard what we were talking about and said, “That’s nothing I can eat a bag a night.” She looked around quickly as if to make sure we had a large enough perimeter to ensure confidentiality and went on to explain in a hushed tone, “ I start to feel sick but can push right past the feeling and keep going.” We all shared a conspiratorial laugh and then the moment was over as quickly as it started. (for us…not my daughter who continued to cry all the way to the car)

Throughout the day I’ve reflected on this experience…the way the women seemed almost relieved to speak the words out loud and the tone and body language reminiscent of what I’ve seen at various support group meetings, “Hi my name is Lisa and I’m a candy cornaholic.” It made me think about how we as women have been trained to portray a certain image when it comes to our relationship with food. I suspect you will be familiar with these unspoken rules:

We prefer to eat “light”, salads and fruit are especially esteemed.

We never overeat.

We do not derive excessive pleasure from our food.

We may indulge in the occasional dessert or treat but it has to be pre-planned and carefully portioned out.

We must have burned off an equivalent number of calories on some type of cardio machine prior to consumption of the treat or plan to do so shortly after the indulgence.


I could go on and on with variations on those rules but you get the point. Eating and food is another area in which our culture places expectations of idealism and perfectionism on women. We are trained to attend to external cues to help us decide what, when and how to eat…rather than reflect on our own personal and unique internal needs, feelings and appetites. It is reasonable to think that there will be variation in how we approach food. Some of us may have a sweet tooth, some may be more of a “meat and potatoes” sort of gal and there may be some out there who really do gravitate naturally to eating light. Likely, most of us are a combination of many eating styles with a strong emphasis on sweets/salts around our period.

I do believe that one factor we should consider when making decisions around food is our health but not necessarily for appearance sake but for quality and longevity of life. I’ll talk more about healthy eating in future postings but today what is burning in my brain is the redundant trend I see in our culture that insists that there is one “good and right” way of being…and if you are outside of this narrow and acceptable mandate then we are taught and convinced that we are unlovable, unacceptable, shameful etc… I know this is sounding like a mantra by now but what about variation?

The truth is…we are born with a natural drive and appetite to eat and enjoy food. You don’t have to look any further than any young girl under the age of three. (I pick this age because typically past this age, girls will start to pick up and be subtly influenced by external eating/food cues within their family, peers, media etc.) Young children revel in their food…they use all their senses to enjoy it and they don’t care who is watching…in fact they usually enjoy an audience. They eat what they want, when they want and no one is going to talk them into doing otherwise. One interesting thing is that they almost never overeat and they usually get in, over a week or so time, a healthy and well rounded diet.

I want you to be as appalled as I am at how far our culture has dragged us away from our true selves in this area. I don’t just want you to stew in that outrage but I want you to direct it toward rediscovering the three year old inside of you.

The primary purpose of this blog is to provide thought provoking information that spurs change in those who read it. The secondary purpose is for you to move through your world with your new outlook and behaviors and spark change. Together we can make a difference.

Keeping that in mind…here is your assignment: 1. Be very mindful when you are choosing to eat and make sure you are following your internal cues rather than external expectations. 2. Let other’s see you being real in this area. Make a commitment never to further the false cultural rules on women’s eating by conforming to them. When you are real it will give others permission and courage to be real too.

And by the way...I personallly eat candy corn one at a time, sandwiched with an almond. I find the salt and sweet to be delicious and staves away the "sugar sick" feeling longer so I can eat more! :)

All for now…
Lisa

The Big Lie...

I’m going to reveal a lie that we’ve all fallen for… We have been taught that our bodies are ultimately malleable and we can be any weight and shape we want if only we have enough will-power and dedication. What follows is that we must be lacking in discipline and will-power if we are anything but that idealized female form. Continuing down that path of deception…if we hold the above to be true then we end up feeling horrible about ourselves and our obvious lack of internal fortitude. We also feel shame that this flaw is demonstrated for all to see in the form of a few extra pounds, cellulite or just plain taking up too much space in this world. I believe that this deception is the cornerstone of eating disorders and body image dissatisfaction.

Women all over the place are going through extreme measures in pursuit of this elusive and idealized body. If this is your genetic birthright then you will attain and maintain that image relatively easily. However, most of us (greater than 97%) are not genetically programmed to have single digit body fat percentage, no abdominal fat, no cellulite, straight hips, defined muscles that can be seen subtly through the skin and large, perky breasts. In fact, “large and perky” when referring to breasts is gravitationally impossible.

So…once this lie is revealed most women feel at a loss in how to proceed… like a sailor of old who lost the North Star and falters in his navigation. If we are not striving for perfection or the ideal how do we know when our bodies are acceptable and ok?

Here is what I have said countless times to women…if you are living a healthy lifestyle in terms of your relationship with food and activity level then your body weight and body composition (muscle to fat ratio) will balance out where it was intended and this is healthy for you. (In future postings I’ll elaborate more on what a healthy relationship to food and activity looks like)

You may or may not look like the ideal. There may be parts of you that resemble the ideal and other parts that fall short. This is normal, human and real. To expect that all women should look exactly the same is unrealistic…we come in all shapes, sizes and squishiness levels! Let’s celebrate our variation and start fighting the influence of the “big lie” that has been clouding our vision and binding our potential.

Your assignment: Take a moment and ponder this “big lie” concept. Then think about, or better yet, write down to what extent you have fallen for this lie and what your true and realistic body potential is when we take the lie out of the equation.

Pressures to Conform to the Cultural Ideal...

A recent headline caught my eye regarding the starlets on the TV show 90210. The article talked about how the women on the show are far too skinny and are suspect of having eating disorders. I have mixed emotions…first when I viewed the pictures of the actresses they were indeed skeletal, even by Hollywood standards. The probability that these women are genetically programmed to look that way despite a healthy lifestyle is very low. However, lightening does strike, people do win the lottery…rare things do occur …so these actresses could actually be living a healthy lifestyle AND look that way. If so I feel sorry for the level of criticism they are drawing and I tuck them into the population I am here to defend. We all…despite our weight and appearance need to work on accepting ourselves, “warts..err.. I mean bulges or boniness and all.” I am a defender of variability. What I mean by that is that we all come in different shapes and sizes and just because our culture has identified one acceptable shape/size for women does not mean that all the variations on that theme are not beautiful and acceptable.

Back to the starlets…another reaction I have is revulsion at the level of hypocrisy I see in our world. Actresses (and all women for that matter) are under immense amount of pressure to conform to an ideal body/appearance. We are in absolute awe of the women who are able to attain and maintain this ideal but the moment they take it an ounce too far (literally) the “awe” turns to attack. It is a tightrope for women to walk… It would not surprise me if these actresses do have some form of an eating disorder. If so, we need not attack them… they are mere “symptoms” of a sick cultural view on what is considered ideal and attractive. Wouldn’t our energy be better spent doing our share to not contribute to this unhealthy view? What would that look like?

You may be thinking that you are only one person and you have very little impact on something as huge and far reaching as the cultural ideal for women. However, I would challenge you on that. You can start by making sure you are modeling acceptance of yourself through your behaviors and words. You can also choose to be VOCAL about it….not obnoxious but proud of your position and confident and excited to share it. You can also be supportive and encouraging to other women in terms of their bodies and appearance. Lastly (but certainly not last on the order of importance), we need to be mindful of how we are raising our daughters. They are not so much influenced by our words in this area but by how we live our lives. They will likely walk a very similar path as yours in terms of your lifestyle and acceptance of your weight/appearance. Ask yourself...would you want your daughter to tread the same steps you have walked in this area? I know…a lot of pressure but if the answer is "no" then this is the time to make some changes...if the answer is "yes" then fantastic...you are doing great and likely better than most of us.

I want to follow up on the last assignment before I say good-bye. How did your “experiment” go? Was it difficult to avoid focusing too much on your weight and appearance for a day? With all the free mental time where did your brain go? What things did you ponder? Do you think you could eventually start living a life that dedicates very little brain power to weight and appearance?

All for now…Lisa

Whispers of the Mind...

I hope this day finds you with a more mindful look at what you have been investing into the empty pursuit of the ideal body and appearance. More importantly I hope you are more in touch with the possibilities that have eluded you while you've had your eyes fixed on the false promises of perfection.

I've made a commitment to myself and now to you to always do the "homework" that will often be included in each posting. Although I have been down this path before I have found that retracing my steps keeps me headed in the direction I truly desire...that is toward health and personal contentment.

The following two questions are the most important part of any "homework" assignment. 1. What did I learn? 2. How can I apply it to my everyday life? We have all read self-help books or gone to seminars that have such meaningful and insightful things to teach us but when we get home we are at a loss of how to translate that experience into something that will really make a difference. I want this blog to make a difference for you so I want you to always be thinking of how you can apply what you learn.

In terms of the revelations I had regarding the homework...I am always amazed at the amount of thinking I dedicate to being healthy or looking a certain way. How often my mind tends to wander to the area of discontent and criticism...contemplating things like, "How do my legs look in these shorts?, Does the way I'm sitting show my tummy pooch or the squished cellulite on my legs? etc." They are just fleeting whispers that capture my mind and then quickly release, but they are annoying. I must say that since I've become a mom that has really gone down...my mind is often yanked quickly back to the never ending demands, and for that I am grateful. Even though I have made progress I really would like to not even consider my appearance...Is that possible? Would that be possible for you? Could you move through your day giving your weight/appearance no more attention than you give your height? (Now, I know that some of you may be self conscious about your height but typically we don't consider that in our myriad of obsessions about ourselves.)

Sadly I must cut this posting short...as often happens I can hear my baby daughter waking up early from her nap. I will leave you with the follow-up assignment to ask yourself question number 1 and 2 that I mentioned above (if you haven't already done this) and then I want to challenge you with the question I posed at the end of the last paragraph... "Could you move through your day giving your weight/appearance minimal if any attention? Don't just contemplate that question from afar but be a scientist and run an experiment. Try it for one day and see how it goes.

All for now...
Lisa

A New Way of Thinking...

I want to introduce myself before I get going on this online journey. I am most importantly a mom of one young daughter, a step-mom of two boys and a wife. That makes me sound very traditional however I only recently acquired all three at an age past what most would consider conventional...I turned 40 this year! Not a hard transition for me...but a transition that gave me pause and required me to reflect.

Secondly, past the family stuff, I'm a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and have been working for 15 years, the last nine have been in my own private practice. So...I am also a business woman and a woman who has worked extensively with people who are grappling with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, weight loss, body image issues, family problems, transition problems, grief, etc... I could go on and on, as 15 years has a way of stacking up the breadth and depth of experiences. On a personal level in my journey as a woman I've taken a close look at (and sometimes ran from) issues of body image, love/hate relationship with food, depression, perfectionism, finding balance, over-scheduling, learning to say "no" and not feeling bad, etc..

As a therapist I have a unique and privileged position of being allowed into the innermost parts of a person. The parts that are usually carefully concealed by a glossy and culturally acceptable exterior. I have been honored to work with the most amazing women in my career. Women who are accomplished, intelligent, sensitive and talented. Given all of that you would think these women would escape the "diet trap"...but your thinking would be wrong. None of us are spared the "prowling Lion" called body image discontent. This discontent is what leads us to negative thinking about our bodies and appearance and results in a vast array of behaviors that at best are not effective and worse harmful both physically and emotionally. There has to be a better way to move through life.

That is the goal of my blog...I've never blogged before but I have always been very verbal about my beliefs regarding diet and real women's bodies. I have a few "soap boxes" but this one towers above most of the others. I feel that we women keep ourselves hobbled by the faulty beliefs and behaviors that ensnare our minds, time, energy and motivations. Ask yourself...if I could harness all of the time, money, energy I have invested in my attempts to change my body and appearance what could I really accomplish in this world? That is my challenge to you today...take out a pencil or your keyboard and on one page write a list of things you have invested in the "weight loss/appearance changing" monster. After you are done, ponder this list for awhile and then on a second page use your imagination and write about the things you feel you could accomplish with those assets if they were re-directed to other areas.

As I mentioned at the beginning of my blog...this is an exciting journey and to borrow a well used phrase, "every journey starts with a single step." This is the first step in what I hope to be many steps we take together in revamping women's outlook and behaviors regarding their bodies and weight loss.