Break Out of Your Eating Prison...

I was at the self check out of our local grocery store this morning and my daughter was wailing. She had spotted the candy corn that I had thrown into the cart and although she has never had this treat before she instinctively knew that it contained little bits of sugary heaven that she would love. She kept pointing to the candy and saying, “baby snack…ma-ma try”…translation for those of you who don’t speak “baby”…"those are mine and I want you to open them NOW.” I am not a purist when it comes to what I let my daughter eat…she eats a variety of foods but she started to pitch her fit almost immediately and I am trying not to reinforce that response, or the world will be run by her and we will be her minions.

All of this commotion attracted attention and a woman looked over at us, semi-alarmed while still compassionate. I felt obliged to respond so I said that my daughter was ok she just wanted some candy corn. The woman nodded knowingly and said “don’t we all.” She went on in a confessional tone, “you know I can go through a bag a week.” Another woman who was nearby had heard what we were talking about and said, “That’s nothing I can eat a bag a night.” She looked around quickly as if to make sure we had a large enough perimeter to ensure confidentiality and went on to explain in a hushed tone, “ I start to feel sick but can push right past the feeling and keep going.” We all shared a conspiratorial laugh and then the moment was over as quickly as it started. (for us…not my daughter who continued to cry all the way to the car)

Throughout the day I’ve reflected on this experience…the way the women seemed almost relieved to speak the words out loud and the tone and body language reminiscent of what I’ve seen at various support group meetings, “Hi my name is Lisa and I’m a candy cornaholic.” It made me think about how we as women have been trained to portray a certain image when it comes to our relationship with food. I suspect you will be familiar with these unspoken rules:

We prefer to eat “light”, salads and fruit are especially esteemed.

We never overeat.

We do not derive excessive pleasure from our food.

We may indulge in the occasional dessert or treat but it has to be pre-planned and carefully portioned out.

We must have burned off an equivalent number of calories on some type of cardio machine prior to consumption of the treat or plan to do so shortly after the indulgence.


I could go on and on with variations on those rules but you get the point. Eating and food is another area in which our culture places expectations of idealism and perfectionism on women. We are trained to attend to external cues to help us decide what, when and how to eat…rather than reflect on our own personal and unique internal needs, feelings and appetites. It is reasonable to think that there will be variation in how we approach food. Some of us may have a sweet tooth, some may be more of a “meat and potatoes” sort of gal and there may be some out there who really do gravitate naturally to eating light. Likely, most of us are a combination of many eating styles with a strong emphasis on sweets/salts around our period.

I do believe that one factor we should consider when making decisions around food is our health but not necessarily for appearance sake but for quality and longevity of life. I’ll talk more about healthy eating in future postings but today what is burning in my brain is the redundant trend I see in our culture that insists that there is one “good and right” way of being…and if you are outside of this narrow and acceptable mandate then we are taught and convinced that we are unlovable, unacceptable, shameful etc… I know this is sounding like a mantra by now but what about variation?

The truth is…we are born with a natural drive and appetite to eat and enjoy food. You don’t have to look any further than any young girl under the age of three. (I pick this age because typically past this age, girls will start to pick up and be subtly influenced by external eating/food cues within their family, peers, media etc.) Young children revel in their food…they use all their senses to enjoy it and they don’t care who is watching…in fact they usually enjoy an audience. They eat what they want, when they want and no one is going to talk them into doing otherwise. One interesting thing is that they almost never overeat and they usually get in, over a week or so time, a healthy and well rounded diet.

I want you to be as appalled as I am at how far our culture has dragged us away from our true selves in this area. I don’t just want you to stew in that outrage but I want you to direct it toward rediscovering the three year old inside of you.

The primary purpose of this blog is to provide thought provoking information that spurs change in those who read it. The secondary purpose is for you to move through your world with your new outlook and behaviors and spark change. Together we can make a difference.

Keeping that in mind…here is your assignment: 1. Be very mindful when you are choosing to eat and make sure you are following your internal cues rather than external expectations. 2. Let other’s see you being real in this area. Make a commitment never to further the false cultural rules on women’s eating by conforming to them. When you are real it will give others permission and courage to be real too.

And by the way...I personallly eat candy corn one at a time, sandwiched with an almond. I find the salt and sweet to be delicious and staves away the "sugar sick" feeling longer so I can eat more! :)

All for now…
Lisa

The Big Lie...

I’m going to reveal a lie that we’ve all fallen for… We have been taught that our bodies are ultimately malleable and we can be any weight and shape we want if only we have enough will-power and dedication. What follows is that we must be lacking in discipline and will-power if we are anything but that idealized female form. Continuing down that path of deception…if we hold the above to be true then we end up feeling horrible about ourselves and our obvious lack of internal fortitude. We also feel shame that this flaw is demonstrated for all to see in the form of a few extra pounds, cellulite or just plain taking up too much space in this world. I believe that this deception is the cornerstone of eating disorders and body image dissatisfaction.

Women all over the place are going through extreme measures in pursuit of this elusive and idealized body. If this is your genetic birthright then you will attain and maintain that image relatively easily. However, most of us (greater than 97%) are not genetically programmed to have single digit body fat percentage, no abdominal fat, no cellulite, straight hips, defined muscles that can be seen subtly through the skin and large, perky breasts. In fact, “large and perky” when referring to breasts is gravitationally impossible.

So…once this lie is revealed most women feel at a loss in how to proceed… like a sailor of old who lost the North Star and falters in his navigation. If we are not striving for perfection or the ideal how do we know when our bodies are acceptable and ok?

Here is what I have said countless times to women…if you are living a healthy lifestyle in terms of your relationship with food and activity level then your body weight and body composition (muscle to fat ratio) will balance out where it was intended and this is healthy for you. (In future postings I’ll elaborate more on what a healthy relationship to food and activity looks like)

You may or may not look like the ideal. There may be parts of you that resemble the ideal and other parts that fall short. This is normal, human and real. To expect that all women should look exactly the same is unrealistic…we come in all shapes, sizes and squishiness levels! Let’s celebrate our variation and start fighting the influence of the “big lie” that has been clouding our vision and binding our potential.

Your assignment: Take a moment and ponder this “big lie” concept. Then think about, or better yet, write down to what extent you have fallen for this lie and what your true and realistic body potential is when we take the lie out of the equation.

Pressures to Conform to the Cultural Ideal...

A recent headline caught my eye regarding the starlets on the TV show 90210. The article talked about how the women on the show are far too skinny and are suspect of having eating disorders. I have mixed emotions…first when I viewed the pictures of the actresses they were indeed skeletal, even by Hollywood standards. The probability that these women are genetically programmed to look that way despite a healthy lifestyle is very low. However, lightening does strike, people do win the lottery…rare things do occur …so these actresses could actually be living a healthy lifestyle AND look that way. If so I feel sorry for the level of criticism they are drawing and I tuck them into the population I am here to defend. We all…despite our weight and appearance need to work on accepting ourselves, “warts..err.. I mean bulges or boniness and all.” I am a defender of variability. What I mean by that is that we all come in different shapes and sizes and just because our culture has identified one acceptable shape/size for women does not mean that all the variations on that theme are not beautiful and acceptable.

Back to the starlets…another reaction I have is revulsion at the level of hypocrisy I see in our world. Actresses (and all women for that matter) are under immense amount of pressure to conform to an ideal body/appearance. We are in absolute awe of the women who are able to attain and maintain this ideal but the moment they take it an ounce too far (literally) the “awe” turns to attack. It is a tightrope for women to walk… It would not surprise me if these actresses do have some form of an eating disorder. If so, we need not attack them… they are mere “symptoms” of a sick cultural view on what is considered ideal and attractive. Wouldn’t our energy be better spent doing our share to not contribute to this unhealthy view? What would that look like?

You may be thinking that you are only one person and you have very little impact on something as huge and far reaching as the cultural ideal for women. However, I would challenge you on that. You can start by making sure you are modeling acceptance of yourself through your behaviors and words. You can also choose to be VOCAL about it….not obnoxious but proud of your position and confident and excited to share it. You can also be supportive and encouraging to other women in terms of their bodies and appearance. Lastly (but certainly not last on the order of importance), we need to be mindful of how we are raising our daughters. They are not so much influenced by our words in this area but by how we live our lives. They will likely walk a very similar path as yours in terms of your lifestyle and acceptance of your weight/appearance. Ask yourself...would you want your daughter to tread the same steps you have walked in this area? I know…a lot of pressure but if the answer is "no" then this is the time to make some changes...if the answer is "yes" then fantastic...you are doing great and likely better than most of us.

I want to follow up on the last assignment before I say good-bye. How did your “experiment” go? Was it difficult to avoid focusing too much on your weight and appearance for a day? With all the free mental time where did your brain go? What things did you ponder? Do you think you could eventually start living a life that dedicates very little brain power to weight and appearance?

All for now…Lisa

Whispers of the Mind...

I hope this day finds you with a more mindful look at what you have been investing into the empty pursuit of the ideal body and appearance. More importantly I hope you are more in touch with the possibilities that have eluded you while you've had your eyes fixed on the false promises of perfection.

I've made a commitment to myself and now to you to always do the "homework" that will often be included in each posting. Although I have been down this path before I have found that retracing my steps keeps me headed in the direction I truly desire...that is toward health and personal contentment.

The following two questions are the most important part of any "homework" assignment. 1. What did I learn? 2. How can I apply it to my everyday life? We have all read self-help books or gone to seminars that have such meaningful and insightful things to teach us but when we get home we are at a loss of how to translate that experience into something that will really make a difference. I want this blog to make a difference for you so I want you to always be thinking of how you can apply what you learn.

In terms of the revelations I had regarding the homework...I am always amazed at the amount of thinking I dedicate to being healthy or looking a certain way. How often my mind tends to wander to the area of discontent and criticism...contemplating things like, "How do my legs look in these shorts?, Does the way I'm sitting show my tummy pooch or the squished cellulite on my legs? etc." They are just fleeting whispers that capture my mind and then quickly release, but they are annoying. I must say that since I've become a mom that has really gone down...my mind is often yanked quickly back to the never ending demands, and for that I am grateful. Even though I have made progress I really would like to not even consider my appearance...Is that possible? Would that be possible for you? Could you move through your day giving your weight/appearance no more attention than you give your height? (Now, I know that some of you may be self conscious about your height but typically we don't consider that in our myriad of obsessions about ourselves.)

Sadly I must cut this posting short...as often happens I can hear my baby daughter waking up early from her nap. I will leave you with the follow-up assignment to ask yourself question number 1 and 2 that I mentioned above (if you haven't already done this) and then I want to challenge you with the question I posed at the end of the last paragraph... "Could you move through your day giving your weight/appearance minimal if any attention? Don't just contemplate that question from afar but be a scientist and run an experiment. Try it for one day and see how it goes.

All for now...
Lisa

A New Way of Thinking...

I want to introduce myself before I get going on this online journey. I am most importantly a mom of one young daughter, a step-mom of two boys and a wife. That makes me sound very traditional however I only recently acquired all three at an age past what most would consider conventional...I turned 40 this year! Not a hard transition for me...but a transition that gave me pause and required me to reflect.

Secondly, past the family stuff, I'm a Licensed Mental Health Therapist and have been working for 15 years, the last nine have been in my own private practice. So...I am also a business woman and a woman who has worked extensively with people who are grappling with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, weight loss, body image issues, family problems, transition problems, grief, etc... I could go on and on, as 15 years has a way of stacking up the breadth and depth of experiences. On a personal level in my journey as a woman I've taken a close look at (and sometimes ran from) issues of body image, love/hate relationship with food, depression, perfectionism, finding balance, over-scheduling, learning to say "no" and not feeling bad, etc..

As a therapist I have a unique and privileged position of being allowed into the innermost parts of a person. The parts that are usually carefully concealed by a glossy and culturally acceptable exterior. I have been honored to work with the most amazing women in my career. Women who are accomplished, intelligent, sensitive and talented. Given all of that you would think these women would escape the "diet trap"...but your thinking would be wrong. None of us are spared the "prowling Lion" called body image discontent. This discontent is what leads us to negative thinking about our bodies and appearance and results in a vast array of behaviors that at best are not effective and worse harmful both physically and emotionally. There has to be a better way to move through life.

That is the goal of my blog...I've never blogged before but I have always been very verbal about my beliefs regarding diet and real women's bodies. I have a few "soap boxes" but this one towers above most of the others. I feel that we women keep ourselves hobbled by the faulty beliefs and behaviors that ensnare our minds, time, energy and motivations. Ask yourself...if I could harness all of the time, money, energy I have invested in my attempts to change my body and appearance what could I really accomplish in this world? That is my challenge to you today...take out a pencil or your keyboard and on one page write a list of things you have invested in the "weight loss/appearance changing" monster. After you are done, ponder this list for awhile and then on a second page use your imagination and write about the things you feel you could accomplish with those assets if they were re-directed to other areas.

As I mentioned at the beginning of my blog...this is an exciting journey and to borrow a well used phrase, "every journey starts with a single step." This is the first step in what I hope to be many steps we take together in revamping women's outlook and behaviors regarding their bodies and weight loss.