Take Your Thoughts Captive...

I have a confession…one that I truly have a level of shame about…and the reason I’m going to share it is I suspect if I struggle with this, then I imagine others do also. That is one thing my career as a therapist has taught me…to quote a wise Book, “there is nothing new under the sun.” We as humans share a similar pattern of thinking…I can’t tell you how many countless times a woman sat breathlessly confessing in my office a secret she felt no one else had ever duplicated; when in fact I heard the same thing from numerous women over the years.

Ok….back to my confession (Does it seem like I’m stalling?)…I was at the mall today with my husband and daughter. We were browsing in that “Build a Bear” store when I spied a mom who sat perched on the edge of a display while her young daughter played with a bear. I secreted a head-to-toe look and noted that she was attractive, dressed nicely and wearing very high heeled, pointy toe, bright yellow shoes. Here is the shameful part…for just a second I had very critical thoughts about this woman for her choice of shoes. I won’t mince any words so that you will see how ugly it gets. I thought they looked tacky, cheap and hooker-like and I judged her for wearing them…I wondered how she could mother well while towering and teetering. These thoughts floated very quickly through my mind like a dark shadow. I did not consciously call them up and when they did catch my full attention it jerked me to my more sane and compassionate self. I quickly countered those thoughts with ones that I do truly believe with my whole heart. I applauded her for her courage and decision to make a unique and potentially risky statement with her footwear. She truly represented what I encourage and support; being real even if it doesn’t perfectly conform to expectations. And my initial response was exactly what I loathe in our world…attacking someone for looking outside of the norm.

This experience kept tickling my brain the rest of the evening and I started to think about how we all have internalized at a very deep and sometimes unconscious level the values and standards of our society…even if we don’t consciously believe in them. Continuing down that same path… these internalized values, unless brought into conscious awareness and challenged, will run rampant in our minds and influence our thoughts, feelings and sadly our actions. This reminds me that I am not always a victim to the pressures of the media, culture etc…sometime I can be the perpetrator. Admittedly, the perpetrator within came from growing up in a culture that repeated the same judgmental messages over and over again until it sings in the background unnoticed….perverse elevator music of sorts. But as an intelligent adult woman I have a choice to allow the “music” to continue or recognize when it is “playing” as I did today and replace it with lyrics and a tune that are more fitting my true beliefs.

I do believe that we as women can be very critical and competitive with each other. A good example of this that always comes to mind; I had started a women’s group years ago with members who were already existing clients of mine. When everyone assembled for the first meeting I almost did not recognize anyone even though I had been seeing them for months and some of them years. They were primped and preened…full make-up, nicely dressed etc.. Not that there is anything wrong with this but the women in question all had been showing up to their individual appointments with a pretty relaxed appearance. I had always encourage my clients to “come as you are” since the emphasis should be on more internal work rather than external representation. What was it about being around other women that spurred them to put on their armor of beauty? We seem to care deeply about the impression we make on other women. Are we afraid of their judgment or criticisms? Do you see this in yourself?

To take this further…I believe that we do not just reserve this critical thinking for other women but we often direct our barbed “thought arrows” toward ourselves. When we catch a glimpse of our reflection what do we often say? Is it something complimentary and caring or destructive?

This concept of being aware of our thoughts and challenging them to see if they are consistent with our beliefs may be new to some of you…but it is the cornerstone of cognitive behavioral therapy…the therapy of choice for what ails us these days. It is a very useful and powerful thing to have in your back pocket…because it is the whispering thoughts in our head that often influence our mood and behavior. When you realize that you can bring those thoughts into your awareness and analyze them…keeping them if you like them and replacing them if you don’t…it’s a pretty amazing thing.

Your assignment: be very mindful of your thoughts, in particular when it comes to your assessment of yourself and other women. If you find yourself engaging in negative thinking I want you to explore it and ask yourself…Is this really who I want to be? If the answer is “no”…then find other thoughts that are more compassionate and uplifting to replace those ugly ones. If you are feeling really ambitious I want you to notice how this process influences your mood and behaviors

Back to the yellow-shoe woman and another assignment that she inspired. Choose to wear something that makes you feel pretty and alive even if it is a fashion risk or outside of what you are seeing others wear.

All for now…
Lisa